Monday, May 23, 2011


I'll never fit in. For the most part, I gave up any hope of it in High School anyway. Apparently as of 2004 90% of woman in this country changed their name when they married. NINTY PERCENT?!? Woah. I just don't see it.

To me, trying to get someone to give me a good reason to change my name is like trying to find a smoker who can give you a good reason why they started. I've never been the kind of person to do something just because everyone else does it. I need to know why. I have had my name, which I am incredibly fond, of for almost 30years I would like a good reason to abandon it.

I have plenty of reasons not to change it. I have been credited professionally under this name. I love the sound of it. I am one of two daughters born to an only child so the name dies with him if we change it when we marry. We have spent all these years in a committed monogamist relationship with our own names, why rock the boat? Why, is it assumed that I should change my name, but never even considered that he could change his? I was a step mom from the beginning of our relationship and it has never caused a problem that Mike's son and I don't have the same name. My daughter has my name so I'm not the lone weird-o sporting a different name in the house. It just doesn't seem necessary.

The name issue seems archaic and arbitrary to me. It should be a personal decision Not a social mandate. Here's an article that sums it up well.

I'm lucky my intended has no huge ego about his woman having his name (maybe because he already has a son with his name). We have contemplated all changing our names so that we match and have neither original surname, but the longer we have half the family with his name and have with mine the more that seems silly. The only time I ever feel irritation is when I can't just sign the Christmas card "the ___________s" and be done with it. That doesn't seem like a good reason to make the change though. I'm open to it if anyone has one of those.


  1. When Kevin and I got married we decided to change both our names. And our reason is a lot of what you talk about at the end of this post. I wanted us to have a family name. (plus I sort of didn't have a huge love for Stawasz, sorry dad) I didn't want to hyphenate, and I didn't feel like Kevin or I should be asked to change our name to the other's name, that seems weird to me too. But for me, it was important to have the same last name as my husband and all my children. So, if that's not something important to you, don't change it. I like that you have one kid with Mike's last name and one kid with yours. Girls v. Boys? hee hee. Do what feels right. (though this did cause some upsetness and non-understanding from relatives, so I'll warn you ahead of time)

  2. It would have been a whole other story if (a)I liked his last name (b)He was super against me keeping mine (c)We hadn't spent this much time with our own names as a family.
    In the beginning I wanted us all to match and all to change our names very much, but then well life, you know.
    Thanks for the feedback. It's nice to have a fan

  3. I wasn't sure at first, when Colin and I got engaged, but then I decided that I wanted to change my name. One part of it was a fresh start. My father's name has a lot of baggage, you know?

    I liked the idea that we were becoming one unit. He's the only son and wants to keep the family name alive. And I like the name.

    It was important to me to take his name. I have always felt like a very selfish person. That I've put my needs and wants before others. And I thought that, even though he never asked me to do so and I think he would have been fine if I had kept my name or even hyphenated, that it was something I could give him.

    Also, Colin's mom hyphenated and she ended up being very unhappy with that choice. She was from a very conservative family and became a hardcore feminist hippie and made all these choices that were, in her mind, bucking the system. And it's interesting to hear her talk about what choices she was glad she made and what she wishes she had done differently.

    It is your choice and it should be made after much thought, taking into account all of the elements that are important to you. You could always keep your name professionally and change it privately, like a lot of musicians and actresses do.

    Miss you and love you! *hugs*

  4. I think you're the most unselfish person I know, Alison. I never would have made it without you. Changing my name personally and keeping it professionally was my first thought too. It's not out of the question...

  5. It is a matter of Love & Respect for ones husband...besides, [his name] isn't so bad

  6. I understand that, what I'm confused about is why I should love and respect him enough to change my identity forever, but he doesn't have to make a similar gesture of love and respect? At least at this point in history, isn't marriage supposed to be about mutual love and respect.

  7. Katie,

    I totally respect where you're coming from and I realize it's just a "tradition" in this country but I think it's also a "rite of passage" and something to look forward to. It doesn't really have anything to do with changing your identity or "losing who you are". I think it's something to be VERY proud of. I don't see it as the husband getting out of having to do a gesture of love and respect. He has done that by asking you to spend the rest of your life by his side, as his wife. It makes things so much easier all the way around when everyone's name is the same in the family.

  8. I agree it's easier when everyone has the same name I just don't see why that name has to be his.

  9. Just so we're clear... you know it doesn't cause lung cancer, don't you? Okeee Dokee, then! :-)

    I wear my husband's name with pride, but my situation is totally different and you have a right to do what you want. I'm sure whatever choice you make will be the right choice for you and your family.


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