Make-Up Misgivings

Before my make-up trial on Wednesday I had a nightmare. I dreamt they made me wear my wedding dress. I was all crammed into the salon chair and kind of upset to be out in it. Then she made me walk around the salon to test out each look, but I really wanted to sit and look in the mirror. After that she took me to a bathroom and told me to get in the shower, in my wedding dress! That was how we'd wash the make-up off to start again.

I was a nervous wreck that morning. I showed her head shots where I'd had my make-up professionally done, a picture of me after the hair trial with my wedding dress on and the two things I'd pinned on Pinterest. I told her light, natural, ethereal with drama around the eye. I wanted sparkle, but she said glitter doesn't read well in pictures. Shimmer was the next choice, but apparently Aveda doesn't make a shimmery shadow.

The first look involved black liner and purple shadow and was a No. Next, she did brown liner and shadow which was much better. Somewhere in all the tweaking my mom says she added purple back into the final look. The pictures look so much different than I remember looking in person.

At first no one said anything. Not a peep. I got really self conscious. Mike had already said it was too much/too dark blush and my eyes were too dark. I thought it was just a side effect of two hours of trying, changing, removing and adding make up. Once I admitted I wasn't 100% on the final look everyone is agreed that my eyes were too dark. It was like the post break-up silence and admissions that no one really liked him.

Bridesmaids have offered to show me what they have in mind for me so I have a reference. My sister insisted I NEVER go back to that make-up artist. I'm glad I'm getting feedback now when I have 25ish days to fix it. I just wish people had showed me their ideas before the trial. I don't want to pay for anymore trials. I thought this would be fun, but it's stressful.

I have no idea if I'll keep my appointment with the girl I had my trial with (who happens to be marrying a man named Mike next month). I'd just give her very specific instructions for changes or I could just go somewhere else. I have no idea where I would go. I wanted this to be settled, but it may have to wait until the week before the wedding when my sister's here. Who knows.....

And Time Can Do So Much

I started this blog nine months ago and I got engaged in 2009. There's been some substantial time since I started planning until now. Now that I've done it, it seems so silly to decide what you're going to wear eight months before you know what the rest of the event will look like. Even when you have a cohesive theme, good taste and creative ability the time between decisions is tricky. I think this is why David Tutera has a show.

I got it wrong the first time. I pictured a heavy, traditional ball gown. Groomsman in black tuxes and bridesmaids in black strapless dress. I pictured all this formality and traditionalism. Then I considered the venue, my physical capabilities, the flowers, etc. Now I have a flowy ethereal dress. Groomsman in dress shirts and ties and bridesmaids in emerald dupioni silk tea length dresses straight out of the 50's.

I have regrets now that we're a day or two shy of a month. I wish I'd seen the whole big picture concept a little more clearly. I wish I'd purchased bridesmaids dresses off the sale racks at Kohl's after Christmas rather than at a boutique. I wish I'd been thinking more practically about my shoes from the beginning. I wish I'd known what everyone was wearing before I chose all the flowers. I kindda wish we had hired a DJ. Well, no neither us wants to give up control of the play list, but I wish I'd hired a friend to be in charge of compiling, organizing and running the play list (maybe because that's one of my last to-do's). I also would have started saving earlier so we could have a honeymoon trip. I might have structured my timeline differently, maybe. I don't know...

I'm worried that everything won't look like it goes together since I choose everything separately at different times. Really, maybe the bridesmaids dresses would have been more cohesive if they had been a more flowy fabric. Maybe Mike's right about all the many shades of green not "going together". I should have done a tiered stand with donuts instead of a cake...grumble.

Hindsight is 20-20? Or expectations are premeditated resentments? Or don't count your chickens before they hatch? No, it's more of a build up to a climax thing. You spend a year of your life focusing on a decision at a time, but then you are confronted with the big picture when you get this close and doubt sets in. You start to worry about whether you invited everyone you should have, picked the right food, asked the right questions and paid the right amounts?

Don't Assume Anything...

The venue emailed me yesterday and said if you're over X many guests we need to arrange a parking valet. It's required and part of our package, but only if we're over a certain number. I felt like I'd been handed a final exam I hadn't study for. Um...uh...well...hmmm...I had something like 60 guests yet to respond last week and the deadline was approaching so I sent out a simple email reminder to those folks with RSVP instructions and got it down to 30 guests.

Now they want me to read 30 minds the week before my RSVP deadline?!? Stress. I counted all of the outstanding folks as yes and got a maximum and then I made my best guesses on who would come and who wouldn't and got another one. I wanted to cry. I was unprepared, which isn't something I'm comfortable being. On top of which I hate numbers. I don't know what percentage has declined so far...AAAAAHHHHH!!!

I asked Mike to make a guess and sent her that, praying it was in the neighborhood since we're on the cusp of not needing a parking valet. Ugh. After the instant migraine from being put on the spot had calmed I started sending out very personal emails, messages and texts just asking for people to let me know. I even made some phone calls. At the end of the day I'd gone from 30 no responses to 18 so not bad.

Still, the deadline I gave is after the venue needs to know and my deadline for RSVPs is 7 days from now. My original theory that people who couldn't come were dragging their feet to avoid hurting our feelings is less creditable considering all of the people who have declined. I'm starting to wonder if people just don't want to talk to me at all. It's making me very sad and I refuse to write off the final 18 as I know some of them were planning on making it. I can't assume and RSVP for them that seems rude. Way ruder than having to point blank ask someone if they're coming.

60 Days!

That means the wedding's not this month, it's next month. Holy Cow. We seem to be chugging along. A detailed budget was created (by Michael no less). All our vendors and frienders are nailed down. All of the girls have something to wear. The invitations are addressed and waiting for maps and stamps. Mike has made 3 of our estimated 10 centerpieces. He also decided to make my garter and bought materials for that. I've scanned all the pertinent pictures Mike and I possess for the slide show (family and friends are still gathering more).

It took me 72hrs to go through all of my photos scan and save them. It took me two hours to do Mike's and that includes pulling everything off the internet that other people we're nice enough to scan already. Finalizing is the name of the game these days: decor, time lines, music/play list, must take pictures, vows. The only things yet to be started are menswear and Mike's ring. Yeah, I think that's it...Oh, and supplies for the unity ceremony, but that's 30seconds and $5 of internet time.

Tomorrow is my 4th get together with my bridesmaids. The first was at my my house over the summer, the second was a nice dinner out while my sister was in town, the third was a surprise they planned for me so we could look at all the dresses together and tomorrow I'm taking them to lunch. I initially thought there would be envelope stuffing post lunch, but that's done so we'll probably focus on what I've forgotten, dates, times and completely unwedding related girl talk.

I talked to my friend, who was married in the fall, last night. She said she won't tell me not to stress because everyone does, but she told me about her wedding day. One of her girls showed up very late (like she wasn't sure if she'd be there when she walked down the aisle or not, kind of late). It just didn't matter once the day started. Not only that but she had been adamant that the walkway to her groom be lined with mason jars with candles. She didn't even realize until the day was over that they never got lit. So, I laughed and took a deep breath. Maybe now is the time to organize a bit more and let go because whatever happens that day will happen.

False Alarm

So, when I woke up this morning there was already a message on my phone.

"This is Dick with Sunken Garden's Bar Services. It's important that you give me a call back..."

At first I thought it was no big deal. He was probably verifying my caterer or something. I called and left him a message, but as the day wore on, no response. I started to worry that something really bad might have happened.

I tried him again a littlle while a go, it went like this:
Hi, thanks for calling me back. You're weddings on the 21st right?
(Freaking out that he knows my name and wedding date off the top of his head.)Yes.
Who's your caterer?
I tell him
Well, we have a problem...(he's obviously reading something). We can't do your liquor...are you having a bar?
No, we're not
Oh, ok. Phew! We have a party of 400 booked at (another venue) the same night.
Well, I guess everything's alright then. Thanks for getting back to me so fast.
No problem.

So in the end it's a good thing we're not doing a bar because we would have been sunk. I wonder what event has 400 people on a Wedsday? Our venue is city owned so you can't bring your own booze and our caterer isn't licensed to serve alcohol outside their resturant so most people use the venue's bar service, but aparently so do a few other city owned venues. Anyway, I'm so relieved there's no major issues (fingers crossed).

Post Christmas Wedding FREAK OUT

I'd love to tell you I'm as together as I wish I was, but prevents it. The occasional melt down has to happen. Especially, post holiday stress when I've had all I can stand of quality time with the kids and it's another week before school starts again. This time Mike went to Target and spent money on something we didn't need and I...well I wasn't very nice about it.

I sent him out today (the day after Christmas) for toilet paper, Coke and batteries. He came home with some sort of photo electric sensor smoke detector. Now, understand we have a functioning smoke detector which is essential, especially with kids in the house. He just wanted a fancier one. This one he claims will not go off when we cook. What Ever. He also brought me a very expensive new pillow. We have at least 10 pillows right now. This one is foam he tells me hastily tearing it from the packaging before I can return it.

In the same trip he also brought home fast food which for budget reasons we said we wouldn't do anymore. On top of which everyone else had already eaten lunch and as a former minimum wage employee I try not to frequent places when salaried workers are off with pay. I was pissed off. We just went over budget on Christmas, borrowing money from our wedding account which we've yet to put back. Rent is due shortly and the first of the vendor balances are creeping up in February. I'm concerning skipping the observance of my birthday (for anyone who knows me, you understand how serious this is). All that and he has the nerve to buy me an expensive pillow I don't need?!?

The inconsistency of what he says and how he behaves really confuses me sometimes. We didn't get each other gifts this Christmas to help save for the wedding. So, why on Earth would he buy something I neither want nor need? All the the other stuff he bought is annoying, but I can't really be mad about a smoke detector and food.

I yelled at him. I threw his words back in his face and reminded him how much money we owe ourselves (aka wedding account). I even cried a little and asked him what would happen if we couldn't pay everyone? I guess we'd do without and eat some deposits. The show would go on, but it's still a crappy thought.

Bottom line there's 85 days and counting it's all getting a little too real. I feel unprepared which I HATE and broke which is stressful. I think I'll feel better if I really believed Mike and I were on the same page with the budget. Maybe we'll get there now that it's sooooo much closer. I also think I'll be much calmer once these invitations go out. I think it'll give me a sense of acceptance.

Money Matters

I know, I know budgets are boring especially after all the fun posts about dresses, but if I don't talk about it I'll explode! Remember all my conjecture about how the holidays would be a hard time to save which is bad since balances are due so soon after. Well, I was right.

It turns out one of the fundamental differences between Mike and I is that he likes to buy things for himself and I like to spend money on other people. This makes Christmas a very dangerous time for me. It's just so fun to give gifts, especially to the kids. I'm always the one with my feet on the ground and my eye on the budget. I'm very responsible I just have this generosity problem.

I paid the last installment on my wedding dress this week and replaced every penny in the wedding account as soon as I had it. I bought the flower girl shoes on sale and under budget. I'm not going on spending sprees here. This morning I made a list of things to get at Target. Christmas related things. Decorations, clothing for the kids for holiday events and gifts. When Mike saw the list he got super grumpy. He said something like "we don't need any of this crap! We have a wedding to pay for." I was stunned.

Mainly, because he's the spendthrift not me, but also because nothing on my list was over $10ish. I want to have a turn to be laid back about money. I want to just go get what I want (granted what I want is usually something for someone else). I was just stunned. I shopped early for my kids to make December less stressful. I can't even drive right now or stand on both legs. It's not like I'm making trips to the mall. Sigh.

On the plus side Mike gets it (at least for the moment). It's relief to be on the same page about spending especially at this crucial a point. We'll have less than 100 days until the wedding by next week. I guess what stuck with me about today was fear. If we're both afraid does that mean it's possile it won't all be there? Shudder.

Changing Vs Losing Your Mind

neu·ro·sis/n(y)o͝oˈrōsis/Noun: 1.A relatively mild mental illness that is not caused by organic disease, involving symptoms of stress (depression, anxiety) but not a radical loss of touch with reality. Compare with psychosis
2.(in nontechnical use) Excessive and irrational anxiety or obsession.

When planning a wedding ALL of them surface. Example, I have an extreme distaste for odd years. Pretty weird. I am an open book and I've had lots of acting training so I'm usually pretty in touch with myself, but the wedding has forced me into situations I've never been in before.

As it turns out, I really don't like changing my mind. I enjoy being a decisive person. I like making a plan and sticking to it. It makes me dependable and responsible. I'm not immovable by any means, but when other people (vendors, family, wedding party) are involved I have serious guilt.

First it was the dress. I was so torn about abandoning the sample dress I found a thrift store 4 years ago that I shed tears over it. Not because I was so in love with the dress, but because I had let myself down. I failed to comply with the plan. Never mind that the dress was impractical for someone with mobility issues (and an outdoor venue) it was bought and paid for why couldn't I suck it up?

Why? Because there was something better out there waiting for me. My real dress. I survived, the budget survived and no one shook their finger at me and told me what a disappointment I am. I LOVE my dress. I love that it's being custom made to my size and specifications. I love the idea of wearing it again...

Then I found a picture of blue sea holly in a magazine. We'd been planning for a long time to get all the groomsman and dads matching lapel pins. It was a cute idea, but reality was the one we liked wasn't available anymore. Beyond that this thistle screamed Mike's Boutonniere to me. He loved it too. No big emotion issues there. I started to think my pain over the dress was a one time thing.

Now I've started doubting my bouquet choice. At first I loved my bouquet and that I was the only one with one. It made it more special. Than I started considering a brooch bouquet.
Something like this, but with fairies instead of flowers. It would be pretty. Imagine it with pieces like this: The last one is my absolute favorite. I may buy myself that pin whether I do the brooch bouquet or not. I could just pin it to the ribbon around the stem of my flower bouquet. Making a brooch bouquet could be a fun last DIY project before the wedding. I could ask everyone attending my bridal shower to bring a fairy pin. I did something similar for a Christmas party one year and it turned out amazing. My tree was so interesting and I have sentimental attachment to all of those ornaments because of who they came from.

I'm just not sure. It bothers me that it was already decided. I also feel like brooch bouquets are so trendy now, thanks Miranda Lambert. It would be heavy so there would be no tossing it. Not that we couldn't get around that. Hmmm...

On the plus side I could take it apart afterward and keep all the fun jewelry. It would save a little on flowers (that Mike would eat up with his decor design without blinking). Do I really want one? I'm not sure...I hate being not sure.

I investigated compromise:

Here's what splitting the difference looks like. Yeah. Huh. To each her own, but I despise it. I really don't like it at all. So that's out. I'll either have all flowers or all pins. Help me out guys what do you think?

Update Monday **Big News**

Done

• Invitations arrived.
• Bridesmaids jewelry came!
• Started designing our custom map
• Wrote my first vendor review
• Decided on hair and make-up
• Scheduled hip surgery

Looking Forward To

• Recovering from hip surgery
• Finishing the final wedding play list
• Ceremony writing
• Seeing my dress

It was an even slower week wedding-wise than last week. The difference is this time there were packages! The invitations are great, but you already know about that. The bridesmaids necklaces are much prettier in person. Shinier and more delicate than the photos. She put them in this pretty brown boxes with sheer emerald colored ribbons tied around them, so lovely. It was worth the wait. I'm so glad I asked for those boxes.

Still no dress pictures, but the longer the dressmaker is out of town the longer I can wait on my next payment to her. Positive spin, you see. I'm dying to see what it looks like so far. I wish I could sew or at least understand how dress construction works. I wish I could stop thinking about my dress. I just can't. I want to not care, but it seems more down hill now. The holidays are approaching and my wedding is on the other side of them. AAAHHHH!

I'm still worried about the budgeting through the holidays challenge. On top of which I'm having hip surgery on November 7th. In a few weeks a wonderful doctor, one of the only ones in the country who can, will re-sculpt my hip bones so they no longer grind together. No artificial hip, yay! Enough time to heal to the point of dancing at my reception, yay! Surgery on top of life, motherhood and wedding planning. Oy.

156 days!

Deflating

I was full of potential, hope, possibility, enthusiasm and things to say. Until today, today feels a little less upbeat. I did not check any wedding to do's off of the checklist today. It's sad because there were some big one's looming. I lost my computer, in the dearly departed sense not the misplaced way. Which meant no emails, no wedding message boards, no research and no blogging until now.

How did people plan large scale events before the internet? I didn’t spend the day pouting or anything. I showed my mom the finished bodice of my ceremony dress, in person, today and I'm pretty sure she was amazed. I certainly am.

Before:

After:

I like it so much better this way. That excess stuff was overcrowding the beautiful detail work. Beyond that decision I made from day one with absolute certainty and the ruching detail I'm adding to the skirt I haven't the foggiest, how this dress will end up.

I should feel relief that my wishes were so swiftly and expertly carried out (and I do!), but I'm still feeling lost in a land of too many choices. I'm also feeling a lot of guilt for my inability to sew, for sure. There are now two wedding dresses and two flower girl dresses under my direction on other people's to do lists. So, like I said I feel deflated today. I wish I had some triumph equal to the bodice completion to announce blogside, but I just have a growing sense of impatience at all the things I can't do yet.

Maybe I'll eat a cookie give myself a little wedding planning pep talk and get back on the horse tomorrow.

The First Frustrations

I was chugging along: making notes, calculating amounts, researching things on the internet, checking the couch for loose change. Now, I'm stalled out briefly. Sunken Gardens does not have my first or second choice date. Bummer. I thought, "Ok, we'll just pick a new one." Now, Mike insists we take a few weeks and talk to people before we pick another date. What?!?

Don't get me wrong I want to make sure our parents and wedding party will be there, but they'll have 10mo to make arrangements once we PICK A DATE. Am I being paranoid when I say I am trying to plan and pay for this wedding myself so I stay in the driver's seat and this feels like giving up some power. I'm already bummed about the dates that are gone and now we have to convene a committee to decide what day we do this?!? Ugh.

It's mostly impatience. I mean haven't I waited long enough? On top of that I've got ants in my pants to do my first DIY project. I thought I'd trim the guest list (and figure out how many I needed), confirm the date was available and start designing the save the dates this weekend. Sounded reasonable since I expected to be stopping by with their deposit next week.

Now that the plan has been derailed I'm not sure what to do in the meantime. I wanted to make a simple save the date magnet, but Mike wants it to be "interactive". Hand making 38 interactive save the date magnets sounds time consuming to me. I want to DO something, but how can I make save the dates when I don't have one? I can check people's conflicts, but that stresses me out even more. I don't want to be responsible to a bunch of separate schedules. Why, couldn't my first choice have been available? How could anyone else do it justice?

Waiting stinks. Hopefully it'll only be through the weekend and then we'll have a date AND a venue. Please, oh please, oh please. Money fairy, scheduling fairy and wish granting fairy if you could all coordinate that would be ideal. In the meantime I'm off to cry and stamp my feet a little bit.