Tips In Hindsight: From an (Almost) Been-There-Done-That Bride.

There's so much I wish I'd done differently and even more I feel I handled exceptionally well. We're just over 2wks away and here is what you should know before/during wedding planning.

• Before you set your budget call your car insurence, cell phone and cable providers and get your bills reduced. I waited until much later in the process and we could have been saving that money from the start. Seriously three phone calls, hundreds of dollars a month.
• Skip the "boutique" experience. Trust me on this. I have a whole post in the works about how stressful it's been. I thought spending more on the bridesmaids dresses would mean better fitting dresses and the royal treatment. Wrong twice.
• Pay attention to holidays during the planning process. Dress clothes go on clearance post Christmas and Easter. Wings, masks etc are easier to get around Halloween.
• DIY isn't always cheaper and time is sometimes more valuable than money. Don't get so bogged down in saving money that you completely burn out on all the extra tasks. I am guilty of this big time.
• Don't expect your finance/wedding party (especially the kids) to change for the wedding day. The 2yrs will still be 2 the day of the wedding they will need to be fed quickly and entertained through out. Plan Ahead. Your flaky friend's never been on time once in your relationship? Don't expect her to suddenly get her act together for your wedding. Plan Ahead.
• Making people do things they don't want to do is a miserable experience for all involved without exception. From renting tuxes, walking in time to music while everyone stares, giving a toast, etc...if it made someone uncomfortable we skipped it. To clarify I mean the bride groom or loved one who was asked to perform the tasks. Guests should enjoy themselves, but if you took a vote on everything nothing would get done.
• Delegate and mean it! Assign the project and let go. Understand it'll be done differently than you would have personally done it (hopefully better)and it not happening can't be the end of your universe because things happen.
• Supposed to's are for people with perfect bodies, better balance than mine, lots of free time and unlimited budgets!

Doing Less

I'd decided early on to skip chair covers and fancy table overlays in favor or crisp white table clothes. I knew from the start I was fine with a less then formal place setting. Disposable plate, yes please. None of those things mattered from the get go. Lately some of the things that I thought mattered...don't.

Last night I told Mike I didn't want to do a guest book quilt anymore. Partly, to knock an expense off the budget, but also because we are at blanket capacity around here. I just don't want another one hanging around. All the research into how to pick fabric, which markers to buy, how to instruct people in what to do and it didn't once occur to me that we don't need a quilt. In fact, I informed my groom to be I don't need a guest book at all.

It would be nice, but I won't miss it. I document everything (hello, blogging daily about wedding planning), but it's not worth my energy at this point. Mike had a cute idea so I told him it was his project now, but we agreed he wasn't going to waste any time on it until his other projects (centerpieces/room decor, mens attire, his ring) are done.

After that conversation I spent the next day thinking about what else I could do with out. I'd already decided not to get any new clothes for the shower or rehearsal, that was any easy one. I decided a girls nails night where we all do each others would be more fun than mani/pedis at the mall anyway. We were already skipping a DJ in favor of our own play list.

Then there were some more difficult stuff like shoes. Love those green sparkly shoes, but I have a lot of anxiety about them fitting right and being comfortable all day. I already own a pair of pink sequined ballet flats that I know fit. No one will see my fit anyway so maybe I'll wear my shoes I already have. It's hard when you wear a size 2 in kids and have bad balance and it rules out borrowing from anyone. I think I may buy those awesome shoes down the line if not for the wedding though.

Skipping the shoes made me think maybe I could wear a bra I already own, but I don't know about that for sure. You don't want to skimp on undies when you're wearing the most important dress of your life. It's strapless so I want to be sure there won't be any wardrobe malfunctions. We'll see...Beyond that, we've come to an agreement that will not take a honeymoon trip. We will make arrangements not to have the kids for a few days. We will most likely drive somewhere close by so we can get back if we need to. I think we'll save traveling without the kids for an anniversary trip.

I continue to look for ways to scale back and delegate. My major projects at this point are the play list (finishing it, gathering mp3s, saving it onto multiple machines) which will be easier once the RSVPs and song requests start pouring in. The slide show, I'm still in the gathering photos phase. Mike inherited his work's old projector so we're all set for that. I handed the ceremony writing task over to our officiant for now so I'm just working on vow ideas. The most pressing matter is getting invitations out at this point. Surprisingly, it doesn't sound like as much when it's all written out rather than rattling around in my overwhelmed brain.

Post Christmas Wedding FREAK OUT

I'd love to tell you I'm as together as I wish I was, but prevents it. The occasional melt down has to happen. Especially, post holiday stress when I've had all I can stand of quality time with the kids and it's another week before school starts again. This time Mike went to Target and spent money on something we didn't need and I...well I wasn't very nice about it.

I sent him out today (the day after Christmas) for toilet paper, Coke and batteries. He came home with some sort of photo electric sensor smoke detector. Now, understand we have a functioning smoke detector which is essential, especially with kids in the house. He just wanted a fancier one. This one he claims will not go off when we cook. What Ever. He also brought me a very expensive new pillow. We have at least 10 pillows right now. This one is foam he tells me hastily tearing it from the packaging before I can return it.

In the same trip he also brought home fast food which for budget reasons we said we wouldn't do anymore. On top of which everyone else had already eaten lunch and as a former minimum wage employee I try not to frequent places when salaried workers are off with pay. I was pissed off. We just went over budget on Christmas, borrowing money from our wedding account which we've yet to put back. Rent is due shortly and the first of the vendor balances are creeping up in February. I'm concerning skipping the observance of my birthday (for anyone who knows me, you understand how serious this is). All that and he has the nerve to buy me an expensive pillow I don't need?!?

The inconsistency of what he says and how he behaves really confuses me sometimes. We didn't get each other gifts this Christmas to help save for the wedding. So, why on Earth would he buy something I neither want nor need? All the the other stuff he bought is annoying, but I can't really be mad about a smoke detector and food.

I yelled at him. I threw his words back in his face and reminded him how much money we owe ourselves (aka wedding account). I even cried a little and asked him what would happen if we couldn't pay everyone? I guess we'd do without and eat some deposits. The show would go on, but it's still a crappy thought.

Bottom line there's 85 days and counting it's all getting a little too real. I feel unprepared which I HATE and broke which is stressful. I think I'll feel better if I really believed Mike and I were on the same page with the budget. Maybe we'll get there now that it's sooooo much closer. I also think I'll be much calmer once these invitations go out. I think it'll give me a sense of acceptance.

Money Matters

I know, I know budgets are boring especially after all the fun posts about dresses, but if I don't talk about it I'll explode! Remember all my conjecture about how the holidays would be a hard time to save which is bad since balances are due so soon after. Well, I was right.

It turns out one of the fundamental differences between Mike and I is that he likes to buy things for himself and I like to spend money on other people. This makes Christmas a very dangerous time for me. It's just so fun to give gifts, especially to the kids. I'm always the one with my feet on the ground and my eye on the budget. I'm very responsible I just have this generosity problem.

I paid the last installment on my wedding dress this week and replaced every penny in the wedding account as soon as I had it. I bought the flower girl shoes on sale and under budget. I'm not going on spending sprees here. This morning I made a list of things to get at Target. Christmas related things. Decorations, clothing for the kids for holiday events and gifts. When Mike saw the list he got super grumpy. He said something like "we don't need any of this crap! We have a wedding to pay for." I was stunned.

Mainly, because he's the spendthrift not me, but also because nothing on my list was over $10ish. I want to have a turn to be laid back about money. I want to just go get what I want (granted what I want is usually something for someone else). I was just stunned. I shopped early for my kids to make December less stressful. I can't even drive right now or stand on both legs. It's not like I'm making trips to the mall. Sigh.

On the plus side Mike gets it (at least for the moment). It's relief to be on the same page about spending especially at this crucial a point. We'll have less than 100 days until the wedding by next week. I guess what stuck with me about today was fear. If we're both afraid does that mean it's possile it won't all be there? Shudder.

Perspective Adjustment

I got a new binder, The Bride's Essential Wedding Planner Deluxe Edition. I read all the reviews and got all excited, but I had very little time to peruse the alternatives with Riley in tow. So, with my new planner I begun a fresh start. I threw out all the unnecessary magazine pages and vendor info I know I don't need. I took a few deep breaths and began the budget spread sheet anew. Once catering and venue were all written in there was almost nothing left. Mike advised I check into pricing on my top priorities first. I regrouped, rings and photography. My dream ring is discontinued and my second choice is not cheap. At that point I started to cry.

Mike made it worse by suggesting waiting a year and or maybe even 6mo before we collectively realized we don't have to pay everyone in full up front. We have enough to knock out or make a dent in the venue and food. We'll start there. We have several months to work out rings and such. We made three lists: 1. The most important big ticket things we need to do right away. 2. The smaller stuff that's more fun and can be picked up as we go 3. The stuff that can wait until the end

Most big things are in 1. deposit and 3. remaining balance. Small stuff like guest book quilt 2. Small but pressing like save the dates are in 1. All the misc stuff that be acquired a little at a time in 2. You get the picture. It's a little less daunting now. I waited a long time for this and I want to do it right.

Now we have a big picture. We will arrange venue and food first within the next two weeks. After which we will put a deposit down on the photographer. That seems to be my only vendor list that grows instead of shrinks. Now that we've had a healthy dose of reality and done some research we're on the same page and ready to roll. I can't wait to finish these save the dates!

The Burst Bubble

After many, many years watching A Wedding Story on TLC and later a myriad of other wedding shows I had some rather, grandiose ideas for my wedding. On those shows they refer to any wedding budget under $30,000 as small. That is why my original wedding budget of $25,000 sounded perfectly reasonable on paper

My original budget was generous; I put hundreds of dollars into categories when I wasn't sure. The scale of things I originally pictured was huge. Over a hundred people in attendance, lavish decor, multiple photographers, custom dress and gourmet food.

The wedding shows never show the bride and groom toiling away the first years of their marriage to pay off the party. Maybe those couples have parents footing the bill or horrible credit. When I blew the dust off my wedding notebook I found not one, but three budgets front and center. The first of these was a worksheet from the knot.com I made in late April 2008. I remember finding their "advice" on the sheet interesting, but that it was difficult to customize it efficiently. The second one was a plain old excel spreadsheet I did a month later, but it's covered in handwritten notes of things forgotten prior to printing. The last budget made on Martha Stewart's wedding site (which was by far my favorite wedding budgeting tool) in September 2008. It has estimated costs at $24,222 (and that's after the bargain dress). After a few years of a not-so-great economy, being out of work recovering from surgery and having a baby that number seems pretty laughable. I guess it's time to start a post official engagement, feet on the ground budget.

The things I thought I couldn't do without turn out to be largely dispensable. Why go for the $4,000 dollar venue at the expense of everything else when the venue under $1,000 is beautiful and less restricting. Why not cut the guest list down to the nearest and dearest? Intimate ceremonies are more romantic, anyway. A professional photographer and videographer would be amazing, but we have relatives who are pretty good with a camcorder. And so it goes...

I'm happy with a smaller guest list and eyes on the "plan B" venue. I know what's important to me now. I can skip costly engraved invitations (most of them will end up in the trash anyway), a bachelorette party (I'm not a drinker), multiple pairs of shoes (one comfortable pair will do), a veil (I’d rather wear flowers in my hair, anyway) and at least one DIY project worth of supplies. It will be the kind of day I want just scaled back to something within reason. It will be meaningful, unforgettable and so “us”.