Another Disabled Bride Blog?!?!

A while back I got a comment from a disabled bride, which isn't super common, but has happened in the past. Generally, they find my blog somehow and send me an email or some wedding pictures. It's lovely. This time it was a disabled bride who blogged through the planning process! What do you know, small world.

I bookmarked the link and didn't touch it for a while. I was afraid to be let down. There are so many poorly written blogs out there. No, I'm not referring to my creative use of grammar or love of run on sentences. I really needed this blog not to suck. I feel awful for ever thinking that now because well...Wow. We're kindred spirits for sure. I found lots of lovely things like this:

Look at that beautiful draped fabric! I've seen a lot of decorated wheelchairs at this point and mostly thought "it's pretty for a wheelchair." This on the other hand, is just pretty. It looks like an elegant chair cover. I don't even mind the big bouquet which I'm generally not a fan of. Maybe, ignoring my chair altogether and hoping I don't need it isn't the best plan. I know if it was all ready to go looking this nice the need would never arise.

One of her most popular posts Should You Hide Your Scars On Your Wedding Day didn't immediately call to me. Lesson learned: don't judge a post by its title. She, like me believes that scars are badges of honor, proof of survival and nothing to be ashamed of.

As a person with a disability I have lots of scars, and I think they are a very big deal, to other people. For me, they are just another part of my body, like my freckles, I don't even notice them, even when they are clearly visible, unless someone is kind enough to point them out. One day at work, I had this crazy idea to wear a skirt and co-worker stopped me in the hall and said in a very loud voice: “You have big scars on your legs, doesn’t that bother you?”
No, they don’t. Scars mean that I survived, why should that bother me? But on the day I choose my dress, I found my self asking my mother how much of the large scar on my back showed? It’s a scar I have had nearly all my life, the result of a heart surgery that saved my life when I was just days old. Mom said that much of it was showing and for a moment I remember the voice of my co-worker in the hallway.

She goes on to point out that on her wedding day she will not be surrounded by shallow, insensitive strangers, but by friends and family. It brought me to tears. I think all brides have a moment where they wish they were something different or "more", but he proposed to the woman you are. Beyond that I had a hugely traumatic back surgery not quite two years ago and the scar it left behind is substantial.

I think my distaste for the "zipper" is largely to do with the emotions it brings up. Recovering from that surgery was one of the darkest times in my life. I hurt when I remember it in a way none of my other scars hurt me. I'm proud I came out the other side. It was the "for worse" in our relationship for sure. In the end I made dress and hair choices without consideration of the "zipper", but there was some turmoil over seeing in pictures of my dress fitting.

Well done, Melissa. Thank you for paving for the way for uncompromising disabled brides. Thank you for for sense of humor, wisdom and willingness to share. I only hope my blog touches one person the way yours touched me.

Good News & Bad News

Today I learned my real bra size. Child bearing, nursing and major orthopedic operations have not done me any favors in the long run. Damn it. I am not a person who gains and loses significant amounts of weight generally. I have worn the same size clothes since middle school. Apparently, after going way up on the size chart for awhile I am smaller than I've ever been in my life.

Since I'm not planning on cosmetic surgery I tried to convince my emotional parts that it's rational after all the trauma my body's been through. I have no way of knowing if I'll bulk up to recognize myself in wedding photos or not. In light of all this, I decided I needed a pretty new bra. I ran the sales girl a little ragged, but I found a mutli way bra from the PINK line. It's just like the one in the picture except nude with nude lace. Same pink flowers. So cute, on sale and totally wearable post wedding. So, Yay! cute bra. Boo! smaller boobs.

Of course I came home and tried it on with the dress. It looked good except for being a tiny bit too high in the back. I figure somebody can pin it for me and I'll be wearing my hair down anyway. I took the opportunity while I had the dress on to practice walking with crutches in the dress. It went well. I had Mike take pictures of me so I could see what it looked like with the wedding dress, bra, crutches combination. At first the pictures made me happy, but the longer I looked the more frustrated I got.

It's my thin frame, it's weird not to recognize yourself. I want my pre-surgery body back. The uncertainty is hard. I'm doing my best to eat right and stay active, but who knows. Lara and I stopped in a shoe store where she helped me try on shoes. I got really emotional about it because it's the uncertainty again. I have no idea how long I'll be able to stand or if I can tolerate the shoes I wore before...not a clue. I'm hoping for my pre-surgery mobility. It's possible. I though about for a long time after I got home and I decided if I have to wear my dirty old sneakers under my dress in order to be on my feet and dance most of the night I will.

Gravity vs The Disabled Bride

I know I've mentioned before how the logistics of my disability get lost in the fantasy of an event sometimes. I imagine the dress, the groom, the dancing, but not the horrible balance. I imagine tables full of guests, beautiful bridesmaids, but not needing my crutches or wheelchair. More accurately I imagined them off and on over the time I've been engaged. Now that we're just shy of two months away...Oy! Those considerations are on my mind.

I actually got an email from a blog fan (which I adore! I can't tell you how much it means to hear people read and appreciate the blogs) with her beautiful wedding pictures. She only used her wheelchair for the reception and said she only fell once. All the sudden it hit me, falling...Gosh Darn It. When I was in high school I did a lot of theatre and my mom always told me she'd spend shows anxious that I'd fall. I never fell on stage in high school, or college (maybe once or twice at an audition). Never-the-less, I'm suddenly anxious about a face plant in front of my guests.

I texted my bridesmaids and made them swear an oath that if I fell they wouldn't record it on their phones and upload it to YouTube. A million hits later I'm the "falling bride" for-ever! It would be beyond embarrassing. Suddenly, I worried that hiring a videographer was a bad plan. The girls promised, of course they're not the ones I really worry about. Then I decided if I go down they should all throw themselves to the ground to create a distraction! Perfect, solution: fake earthquake.

In all seriousness, I'm still getting used to my body since the surgery and I haven't a clue how likely a fall would be. I'm glad it occurred to me early so I could fret about it and get it out of my system now. I decided as always the biggest obstacle to staying on my feet will be fatigue. So, I'll get my new crutches Monday and practice with them a ton before the wedding. I'll have my wheelchair for back-up too. On the day of I plan not to be on my feet at all before the the ceremony. Thanks to the wheelchair, planning ahead and awesome bridesmaids I'm sure I can pull it off.

Here's hoping there's no nose dives, at least by the bride, on the wedding day. Any guests reading this feel free to throw yourselves on the ground in solidarity too.

***First Ever Cross Post! Read it here or Hedgehog Blog: Riley's Mommy Walks Funny

Disabled Bride Vs The Camera

Ok, so after my post the other day and all the uncertainity about just how many wheelchair users will be in the family photos on the wedding day with my dad and I both post op I started searching for wedding photos that feature at least one person in a wheelchair.

So far I turned up this beautiful outdoor engagment session by Sweet Caroline Photography. I think the hammock ones are my favorite.

Here's a bit of humor for you from Derek Pye Photography
One thing I have noticed over the years is that even the best clients will have an elderly relative in a wheelchair. This isn't a problem if you're shooting Reportedge™ as you can get some dramatic action shots using the chair. It´s a different matter with Traditional wedding photography as no one wants an ugly wheelchair in the shots and it messes up the composition, having someone sat down when everyone else is stood up. One solution is to carry a spare wheelchair in the boot and coerce a willing guest to sit in it on the opposite side, to balance things out. Alternatively if the cripple can stand a bit then get them out of the chair and prop them against a nearby wall. You can then set the group up around them.

Under no circumstances should you Photoshop the spastic out of the chair and onto made up legs. You will get complaints if you do this. Trust me!

So, there's the old photoshop new legs solution, in the worst case senario. In all sriousness I kept looking and while images are scarce I did find this wedding party shot by Whitney Lee, it has a very pleasing composition. Levels and distances (forgive me I do not know photography terms) and you almost miss that there's a wheelchair in the picture. I think the rich colors help too.

I also really love this one by L'amour Photography:

There's something to be said for that happy glow that makes even the most obsessive bride-to-be stop scrutinizing the chairs or bridesmaids dresses and think "wow, they look happy". I felt that looking at Stacy & Daniel's wedding pictures for sure. No, I wouldn't have worn those shoes or let two people support me down the aisle, but damn if I don't get warm and fuzzy looking at these pictures.

Disabled Bride vs The Uninformative

When I started this blog I did some message board surfing and found pictures from two beautiful weddings where the bride happened to be disabled. I largely forgot the weddings of other disabled brides except for the occasional image search. It occurred to me a few weeks before the hip surgery (while Google-ing myself, busted.) to see what was out there as far as advise for a bride who happens to be physically disabled. Boy, was I disappointed!

I assumed I'd find some posts about adapting the aisle walking and dancing elements. Perhaps overcoming height differences in photos. Something, anything practical that I may not have thought of. Nope.

One of the first links was this ditty Enabling Disabled Brides on getting married's website. Let's start from the beginning, I hate the title it sounds like a bad work place seminar, ick. Their first gem? Tell the venue what you need. That seems to apply to every bride, no? Doesn't every wedding have it's own unique needs? Sigh.

Their second piece of advice: Go see you're venue. Yup, I think that one is universal too. Whether you're looking for ramps and elevators or the number of outlets every couple should take a stroll around the venue. Obviously, you want to enjoy you're own party. The way they talk I have an image in my head of a bride in a wheelchair sitting at the bottom of the steps of a beautiful old cathedral unable to get to her groom. I hope this kind of thing doesn't happen. If it did you better be marrying someone would would bring the ceremony to you.

The third piece of advice is something I talk about ALL the time. Screw "Supposed To's". You don't HAVE TO walk down an aisle. Your guests don't HAVE TO stand. You don't HAVE TO wear a long dress. You don't Have TO have a first dance. That being said if you want it, adapt. Most of us with life long disabilities are professional adapters by now. Don't get sucked into the wedding etiquette and the expectations of others. I want to see eye to eye with my groom. So, either I get higher of he sits, both are good solutions. I don't want to walk down the aisle so we're using semicircle seating.

There's plenty of adaptation going on not at all related to my disability too. I don't want a cocktail hour because it's a weekday evening and everyone will be hungry so we're doing group photos before the ceremony. Neither of us was keen on being stared at while we danced with our parents alone so we're doing it together. We don't have a lot of unmarried friends so we're doing a "lucky" bouquet/garter toss for everyone instead. You get the picture, make the wedding fit you not the other way around.

Their last piece of advice approaches usefulness and much like the article itself falls short. Talk to your photographer?!? Yes, please all brides everywhere talk to the person who is going to capture your day for eternity. Talk to the person who out of the kindness of their heart or a big check is documenting one of the biggest days of your life. Be specific and get their professional feedback. As far as this article's horribly vague assertion to "mix it up...play with different set-ups" specific examples or actual picture would be very helpful here!

Just so you know it's not all vague advice written by the able bodied I did find this lovely Dear Abby responding to a disabled bride's worries about her wedding day. It echoes the what I was just saying, don't bang your head against the wall trying to "fit" make it yours. It's great advice for your wedding and life in general.

In conclusion I leave with pictures from a wedding I found on the knot (shocking I know) featuring a disabled couple. Wheelchair Wedding

My Real Wedding from The Knot and The Nest.

May I Have This Dance? (More Disbaled Bride Issues)

Last night I insisted on "practicing" for the wedding. I had Mike fire up our song. To recap, my groom is well over a foot taller than I am and I do not have the balance for heels. I also have a recently fused spine so dancing is a lot more difficult logistically than it's even been.

I have always loved to dance despite my complete lack of rhythm. I have danced with every boy I've ever loved at some point. This will be the most important dance we ever dance (and possibly the last time we ever dance together in public). I snatched the plastic stool Riley uses to reach the bathroom sink so I could dance comfortably with Mike. The height difference was mildly annoying when I could bend my back now if I push to hard against my fused spine I get spasms. I do not want those on the wedding day.

So, I was all set for a romantic slow dance on a plastic stool. It wasn't romantic. I swayed a bit on the stool, but it wasn't really dancing. We discussed platforms, stools and even roller skates. I was irritated that it should be so complicated. I've never had to spend months planning to slow dance before. I just got up and did it before. While there are other challenges like getting down the aisle I'd rather do without than torture myself over the first dance is something I really want. I was feeling completely depressed by our failure to slow dance when Mike pointed out he can't dip me. Fused spinal column strikes again! For Pete's sake.

In the worst case scenario I'd have to dance in the wheelchair which seems like a pretty awkward proposition. Poor giant groom hunched over bride on wheels? Or on his knees? I'd rather he just held me up like he does with Riley if it came to that. Why does it have to be so complicated? If any brides disabled or otherwise have any words of wisdom I'd be extremely grateful.

And Then What?

A few things occurred to me recently not the least of which is: I need a way to sit during the ceremony that doesn't look stupid in pictures. As I was cutting up a wedding magazine that was still kicking around from last winter I saw a picture of a bride and groom sitting in white monogrammed directors chairs. That's the answer. Something like the first picture in this slide show:

Boundless Photos

I like it because it won't cover the whole back of my dress, my actor roots, it's super portable and I'll use it after the wedding. Don't you love those photos? I wish I were in the UK. I like the groomsmen reflected in the sunglasses and the wedding dress with the bridesmaids dress hung in a row, among others.

The other issue on my mind recently is our not so insignificant height difference. It used to be annoying to reach Mike or dance with him, but ever since the metal rod in the back it is painful. I had originally thought I would get a small stool and put my dress over it to hide it. That was fine until I landed on a short dress for the reception. I'm still stumped on this one. I want something just high enough, not like a step ladder or anything that won't be ugly in pictures. I figure Mike may not be the only person it would be more comfortable to dance with from a more reasonable height. Also, I'll find use for it after the wedding for sure.

That's very much where my mind is right now. What will I do with it after the wedding? Second bouquet, nah. Guest book? When would I ever look at that? I should order green champagne flutes. Wait, what the heck would I do with 80ish green champagne flute afterwards? Never mind.

It led me to a great idea though. We talked about how people have had guest book tables or wish tree stations, etc and everyone ends up crowding them and you feel pressure to come up with something witty and get out of there. About a month ago Mike suggested we leave postcards on the table for people to write well wishes on at there convenience. I loved it and pictured big ribbon boards for guests to deposit them on the way out.

I was still thinking that was the way we'd go until I saw this idea in Martha Stewart Weddings for a guest book quilt:

We'd have a box of fabric on each table in different colors and patterns and fabric markers. Everyone could write or draw us a message, even the kids. In the end they'd all get sewn into a quilt. Cute and useful! I am sold on this one. So, look forward to that, friends and family. Also, if my out of town folks can't make it I can send them a piece of fabric to sign (much cheaper postage than mailing a whole book).

Hurray! On to bigger and more pressing problems (and the continuing stool search). Ten-ish months and counting...

Getting Down the Aisle (Disabled Bride Issues)

Most people use the phrase "getting down the aisle" to refer to a slew of financial, emotional and logistical issues. I am far more concerned about physically making it down the aisle. Putting one foot in front the other in a cumbersome dress and staying on my feet as long as is required.

My new friend Andy, who you may recognize from my I Love This post, wrote an article about finding a wedding dress when you're in a wheelchair. Believe me, everything fits differently when you sit all day. She talks about the aisle being too narrow. Apparently, her ushers set up the chairs too close together and she barely fit. She describes "zooming" down the aisle quickly because it felt awkward.

I have another close friend who got a prosthesis just for her wedding day so she could get down the aisle without crutches. She did it and looked amazing by the way. I also read about this bride:

Who said walking down the aisle was the first time she walked without crutches in 18 years. I love this picture of her rocking the pink crutches for the reception. That short little walk seems to be a big motivator.

Like most milestone events in my life in the dreamy stages of initial planning I simply forget the disability logistics. I pictured my perfect dress in great detail. Some years after I bought one to alter to perfection, I was at a fitting thinking "how am I going to get around in this." That ponderence turned into "how am I going to get around at all". Walk down the aisle? Maybe. Stand through ceremony and readings? Not likely. Make it through the ups, downs and dancing of the reception? Nope.

Curse you, reality! A slow walk to music while everyone stares at me?!? Oy. I am facing the facts now and it is clear that even in comfy shoes my crutches (cringes) and possibly my wheelchair (throws toddler style tantrum) will be needed on wedding day. There's no way I'm wheeling around in my full skirted dress. It'll get dirty tire marks on it where the wheels rub. Change my dress? Yeah, right. Ditch my chair? Maybe. Mike's sister offered to "deck out" out a "wedding wheelchair." Ugh. I'm sure her intentions are good, but I don't want to use it let alone draw attention to it. Second, I have the irrational fear of looking like a parade float.

Andy raises the point in her advise to another disabled bride that if you go down the aisle in a chair the guests don't have to stand. I certainly saw some well used levels in Andy's wedding photos. There was no awkwardness. No standing crowd around the girl in the wheelchair. Even standing I'm more than a foot shorter than my groom. I guess I needed someone to say that I was in charge. If I don't want the guests to stand, they don't. If I want to sit, I can. If I need my (grumble) crutches I use them and rely on the genius of the photographer. If I have to resort to the wheels I'll just have to change dresses for the reception...two dresses sounds pretty good.