The Final Somethings

Old (something to connect you to your family): I carried my great grandma's hankerchief and Mike's grandma's handkerchief. I pinned them around the handle of my bouquet. I also had a picture of Mike's grandpa and grandma with me.
New (something to present your new life): My custom dress.
Borrowed (something borrowed from a happily married person so you can borrow their good fortune): Emerald earrings from my bridesmaid who has been happily married 25 years.
Blue: (married in blue always be true): My mother's sapphire pin she used as her something blue.
I skipped the sixpence.

Wedding Vs Real World

It occurred to me when my dad exclaimed "what's a save the date?". I have taken up residence in a whole other country with a language of it's own. I can't think of any other event that has a pre-invitation. While I'm on the subject when was the last time white was the standard dress color for a party? I don't know any other time you have to have a final guest list for anything 6-9mo in advance.

Beyond practices you only undertake during wedding planning there's all those acronyms. Let's see...

• MOB-Mother of the Bride
• FOB-Father of the Bride
• MOG-Mother of the Groom
• FOG-Father of the Groom
• WP or BP-Wedding/Bridal Party
• WC or DOC-Wedding/Day of Coordinator
• BM or GM-Bridesmaid/Groomsman
• FMIL or FFIL-Future Mother/Future Father in Law, etc

I think you get the idea. Wedding planning has it's own languages and clubs. It also has rules. LOTS of rules. Way too many rules.

They call it "wedding etiquette" (pardon my gag reflex). There are websites and books a plenty outlining it in great detail. It's overwhelming. I also find it's tangled up with tradition and superstition in a lot of cases. Etiquette dictates who pays, when you can use your monogram, how to inform people of your registry, when to send thank you notes and a whole universe of other things. As if planning a party for 100+ guests wasn't stressful enough without boat loads of rules for me to fret over.

Don't get me wrong I'm quite cozy outside the box, but I am always over analyzing. Always wondering if there's a solid reason behind some piece of etiquette that I'm missing. Like the card box anxiety. Most things I've chosen to ignore are obviously unfounded superstition or outdated practices, but somethings are so interesting or complicated I'm not sure.

Sometimes you get enmeshed in the wedding planning world and you forgot not everyone is in it with you. Of course my dad in his 60's hasn't a clue what a save the date is. Of course your friends giggle when you scroll STD instead of save the date on your calendar. Of course your aunt thinking green at weddings is unlucky worries you for a moment before it becomes humorous. Of course no one outside your wedding party cares about your wedding events calendar.

I take a break and re-enter the real world often curtsey of my kids and Mike's absent mindedness. Day to day seems alternately less interesting and far more pressing in comparison to all the planning. Especially, with my hip surgery looming. Ugh, Is this post even interesting? I'm doubtful.

DIY Doubts

I'm sure you remember my bird's nest card box project. Generally, I'm pretty comfortable doing my own thing, but there's so many rules about wedding stuff. They call it etiquette. You get beat over the head with all the ettique when you doing any wedding research. I've started having a physical reaction to that word (think gag relax). That being said I think there's a reason or at least a reasonable root for most rules. So, when I posted pictures all over the wedding boards of my card box and got a lukewarm reaction I started to worry...

Maybe there was a reason everyone does the same stacked box design. Maybe they're supposed to be a certain shape and size. Maybe there's a reason they all have lids. Maybe there's a reason I couldn't find a single other bird's nest card box when I searched the internet. Maybe I was missing something. So, I started trying to find some rules or guidelines for card boxes. I had no luck. It was page after page of the same design in different colors...

After a while I decided to search for "card box without lid". Finally validation:

Cute stuff and certainly not the stacked box design. No lids. The more I thought about it I've been to wedding where guests just threw cards on the table. I think the lid is just for carrying convenience. Also, maybe I'm grossly underestimating the amount of cards we'll receive or people generally make them much bigger than they really need. I think even if every guest brought a card that's a 100 flat envelopes. They should fit in my nest.

I'm sad that I needed validation so much and that I let the lack of got to me so much. Speaking of I found this one and I love it:

Next time I get married we're going nerd wedding all the way!

One Ring To Rule Them All

I hope you've enjoyed ring week! Sometimes, you spend months pouring over details to make a theme a reality and sometimes they just happen. I found a wonderful article that outlines the history of the wedding ring. Ancient Egypt all the way to today. I love everything about the wedding ring. I love a circle representing eternity because it has no beginning and no end. I love the left finger's "connection" to the heart. The hole in the center of the ring is not just space either; it is important in its own right as the symbol of the gateway, or door; leading to things and events both known and unknown. It's poetic and reminiscent of Stargate. Sigh.

I found my ring yesterday, Yay! It isn't an eternity band as I had thought it would be and the sudden posibility for engraving it is thrilling. I've been searching the internet and found quite a few suggestions.

This isn't exactly an engraving, but it's pretty darn cool. Projector Ring. It's like the view finder toy meets wedding band. Here's a few fun ones people had inscribed in their rings:

• Please return with man if found
• Center of Gravity
• May The Force Be With Us

I asked Mike what he thought about writing a little something inside our rings. I expected him to either have the perfect thing right off the top of his head or reject the idea completely, but he surprised me. He wants to wait a year (until our first wedding anniversary) and the engrave the rings. He thinks it would be nice to each put a promise to each other on them based on whatever emerges as the most important thing to the other person. I think it's a very sweet idea. Although "I'll pick up my socks" or "I'll do dishes once a week" wouldn't be quite as poetic as the song lyrics of Shakespeare I was imagining.

Not Before The Wedding

Snopes.com

The most famous of all wedding superstitions the one everyone has heard is that the groom shouldn't see the bride before the wedding. As the above article (click the link or zoom in for easier reading) suggests like many other wedding superstitions no one is quite sure where this came from. It seems reasonable that it arose from the time of arranged marriages when it was less likely the groom would panic and call it of if his bride wasn't "unveiled" until the ceremony.

I think what modern brides cling to is not a fear of doomed marriage if the bride is seen before the wedding, but the desire for a dramatic reveal. A hollywood-esque moment where the groom sees you in slow motion and all the guests melt into a blur because you're the only two people in the universe who matter. I completely empathize with that desire, more than you know. It's a beautiful idea and a looooooong standing wedding tradition.

I, however, walk funny. I do not want to walk towards Mike slowly while everyone watches me. Blah. Not to be a politician about it, but while I love a tradition I think my definition of "before" is different than most peoples'. I think before we're dressed up equals before the wedding for me. I think everything beyond that is the wedding. While the ceremony will be a beautiful and very important the whole evening/night belongs to us. I want a dramatic reveal, but it will only be for Michael. Most couple have a lot of time alone together before they get married so having an audience is very special. We have had audience since we met and a moment that's just the two of us is an amazing and incredibly rare thing.

I want a quiet minute with him and some pictures before all the craziness of the day sweeps us away. I don't have any problem with him seeing my dress before hand I just don't want him to see me in the dress until the wedding day. Honestly, I could model it for him every month before the wedding and he still wouldn't remember what it looked like the day of until he saw me in it.

I wish every bride her moment of dramatic, romantic reveal however that's achieved.

Wedding Luck

A family member, upon hearing one of my wedding colors was green, said "Oh, green is unlucky for weddings." That was intriguing. I know white came into fashion for wedding dresses during the age of Queen Victoria and it's supposed symbol of purity/evil spirit deterrent. I know that before that girls simply wore their best dress (whatever color it happened to be). I also know blue was popular for brides and the last vestiges of that are in our somethings old, new, borrowed and blue. Green being unlucky was new to me.

Green is the color of shamrocks it should never be unlucky. I investigated and read that historically if you had green on your dress it was from rolling in the grass. Nobody wanted a loose woman who'd been rolling in the grass. Surely, your marriage would be rocky with her. What a silly, silly idea. I can't believe anyone in this day and age has even heard it.

I think I'll take my chances with green. Apparently pins are unlucky too. Isn't that wild? I read that I should throw every bobby pin I use that day in the trash. What a waste. Most of these silly things have no roots I can find and are good luck and bad luck depending on who you ask.

Here's a few I never heard before:

1. Wearing Pearls:This myth has both good and bad luck meaning. Some believe that wearing pearls represents future tears, bringing potential trouble and tears to the marriage, thus being negative. Whereas some believe that by wearing pearls, they replace the bride’s real tears and she will have a happy, tearless wedding.
2. The Bride Making her Own Dress:this is considered to be a negative myth as it was believed that for brides that made their own dresses she would shed one tear for each stitch she made.
3. Dropping the Wedding Ring:To drop the ring during the ceremony was seen to shake out any hiding evil spirits, therefore be lucky. However another version is that dropping the ring gave the ominous sign that whoever dropped it would be the first to die.
4. Crying on the Wedding Day:It is considered good luck for the bride to cry during her wedding, this means that she will have no more tears left and will not need any for the duration of her marriage. In the olden days a bride’s tears were a sign of good luck to the future crops.

The list goes on and on. It's understandable on such a nerve wracking occasion people cling to silly things like this to calm themselves. Everything will be fine if I wear the right color and get married at the right time, etc. I think it's like when I was a kid I'd get nervous when I had to turn on lights in dark rooms. I decided no monsters could get me if I flipped the switch with my back to the room. I think it's just something to occupy your racing mind and soothe the nerves.

Who knew one ritual would have so much superstition attached to it. Better not meet a pig on the way to the church, sign my married name before the wedding or get married as the minute hands are moving downward. I think I'll survive and not just because I don't live in a rural area with pigs or plan to change my name. I already know what married life is like. The commitment is there and as for the number of tears shed we've got a lot of happiness coming our way.

The Toss: Garter Version Revised

Some time around the 14th century, wedding guests used to believe pieces of a bride's wedding dress was lucky. So much so, that they'd just help themselves tearing off pieces here and there. Can you imagine? Over the centuries the groom started tossing the garter to appease the crowd.

Aside from general good luck apparently if a man gave the garter to his love she'd be faithful forever. Again, I think the bouquet and garter tossing traditions are fun. Although, I had to wrack my brain to think of unmarried guests and am now considering a short dress for the reception. How high do you wear those things anyway?

Here's the one I originally liked:

The lace is in the pattern of the Celtic Love Knot.

I found myself thinking, "I guess I'll order two. One to keep and one to throw." Really, what the heck would I do with it after the wedding? It doesn't seem like I'd have a lot of occasions to wear it.

I also like:

The more think about it, it will just never do to single out our very few single guests for this. I think we'll call all the men up for a shot at the "lucky" garter. Everyone could use a little luck. One magazine I read suggested making a bouquet out of lottery tickets or gift cards to throw. I think attaching a prize will motivate a fun competitive spirit especially among the guys who don't necessarily long to be the next to marry.

Either way I will NOT be making the garter catcher and bouquet catcher do anything more than pose for a picture together. Although, I wonder if the people who did the catching at wedding ever ended up married? It'd be a romantic story to tell later. Now that I say that it is kind of the plot of Picture Perfect.

However, Mike's parents wedding was responsible for three other marriages so maybe there is something to taking a piece of luck and love home with you however intangible. I myself was a participant in at least 3 bouquet tosses. I never caught a single one, but I did get knocked on my ass every single time.

"Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue"

I got a text today that said "Do you have something blue, new and borrowed already?? And what's the other thing you need??" It made me laugh out loud. The urgency (note the double "?") with which it was asked and then followed up with "whatever the other thing is". I replied with the poem in the correct order and my plan to borrow my mother's sapphire earrings. I had made this request years ago when I first started planning. I figured they were old, borrowed and blue.

I may have some issues with name changing and being given away, but this silly superstition is so fun. I was a theater actor for a long time and you don't leave the theater world without a healthy respect for at least the tradition of superstition. It was after replying thus, it occurred to me that I couldn't remember the origins of this little diddy.

Several sources on the internet agree that the original poem was:
Something old, something new
Something borrowed, something blue
And a silver sixpence in her [left] shoe.

Apparently, having these items on your wedding day will grant you a happy marriage. As with most fun traditions I say "couldn't hurt." These internet sources go on to say each item represents something important to a happy marriage.

•Something old - continuity with the bride's family and the past
•Something new - optimism and hope for the bride's new life ahead
•Something borrowed - an item from a happily married friend or family
member, whose good fortune in marriage is supposed to carry over to the new bride
•Something blue - In ancient Rome, brides wore blue to symbolize love, modesty, and fidelity. Before the late 19th century, blue was a popular color for wedding gowns, as evidenced in proverbs like, "Marry in blue, lover be true."
•Sixpence-financial stability

Upon consideration of that information I dare not count my mom's earrings as my something borrowed. I'll keep them as my something blue for sure though. It's interesting to note the sixpence in the shoe has to be in the left shoe to work. I think that's notable because the wedding ring goes on the left ring finger because ancient folks believed blood flowed from that finger directly to the heart.

I searched and searched and found nothing that tells me why the left shoe for sure. But I found this tidbit from ehow.com interesting:
The lucky sixpence is an English wedding tradition that is also common in the United States. Traditionally, the bride's father gave her a sixpence coin and placed it in her left shoe. The coin was meant to bless the couple and symbolize a marriage filled with health, wealth and happiness. The same sixpence was kept in the family, passed down from one generation to the next
This made me giggle. "No Harold don't spend that! That's the wedding coin." The internet goes on to say that most American brides substitute a dime, but according to my mathematically inclined fiance they're getting the conversion all wrong. A sixpence would be worth 1/20 of a US dollar so it's roughly a quarter. On top of which, at the time when this was the custom a sixpence was a days wages for a rural worker. That's a pretty significant amount of money for daddy to put in your shoe. The true modern equivalent would be if your dad put a fifty in your shoe which would be a lot more comfy to walk on all day!

Let's hear it, brides past, did you have all these items? What were they? Or did you ditch all or part of the tradition?

Getting Down the Aisle (Nonconventional Bride Issues)

I know that your dad is "supposed to" walk you down the aisle. It's big deal, everyone cries when he "gives you away." That's the sticking point for me. I don't think I should be "given away". I am not a door prize. It seems like such an archaic gesture. It went something like this: You've asked my father (aka lord and keeper) for my hand and agreed on a dowry and now he makes a public gesture of delivering the goods. Ick.

I am not saying there's anything wrong with the modern embodiment of this tradition. It's still very meaningful to some people, but I'm speaking for myself (and perhaps those brides who never thought about it). Do I want to be handed from my father to my husband? Maybe, if that's the way my life had played out it would make sense. I have lived on my own for 10+yrs, away from my parents. I have been educated and seen some of the world. I have become so much more than my parents' daughter. That will always be a part of me, but it isn't all of me. Wife and mother won't ever be all of me either, but that's doesn't mean I'm not exceptionally proud of those things.

I've thought about this a lot and if I see it in light of the old tradition it's rooted in, I just don't like what it says. I think walking into my "new life" alone is a much more powerful gesture of commitment. On top of that Mike and I have been committed to each other and living as a family with our children for years. I am not leaving childhood and entering adulthood. I'm already there.

Perhaps there's another way to see it. Maybe it's a gesture of continued support to walk your child ceremoniously down the aisle. "I'm still here, kiddo." Which is kind of nice except that when you end your walk you literally get passed to the groom and they say “who gives this woman?" How about, "I give myself freely with the support of my family and in view of God." Isn’t that better than "her mother and I do". That leaves the bride out all together. I think you should speak for yourself as much as possible on your wedding day.

I don't bear any ill will towards my father and I certainly want him to support my marriage and participate in the ceremony, but I want it to mean something to me. That's why Mike and I are going to be working with our officiant and writing our own ceremony start to finish. It's going to be meaningful and inclusive. It will not be full of empty traditions.

Why should it be anything, but a celebration of us on our terms? Besides isn't this the most romantic thing ever:
"My FDIL does not have a living father and her stepfather is out of the question. She has no brother, no grandfather, etc. She does not want her mother to walk her down so she is walking herself down. The groom (my son) is going to walk up the aisle to meet her once she gets about 2/3 of the way down. She will stop and he will extend his hand. He'll take her arm and they will walk down together. It looks very romantic when they have practiced it..."(bride.com message boards)

This article suggests at least 8 different ways to get down the aisle. Personally, I think 7 of them are valid possibilities. I have time to consider and whatever I choose will be meaningful and special and symbolize wonderful things that don't have anything to do with being "given away".