Ceremony Structure

We had a meeting over the weekend with our officiant and decided on the details. I submitted a very basic outline of:

Ceremony Welcome
Irish Blessing-Read by my dad.
A word about the unity ceremony's significance.
Unity ceremony while Mike's dad reads Love passage.
Vows and Rings
Pronounce us Married.

There are so many moving parts within that simple structure so many words and details. I can see why most people go with the old standard. That being said she found some lovely wording and symbolic gestures in her research. Weddings are a very old concept and people have been writing lovely things about them for ages. So many options.

We chose not to do a hand fasting in our ceremony. It's a Celtic wedding tradition where the bride and groom's clasped hands are bound together and a prayer is said. It's thought to be the basis for "tying the knot". It's kind of a nice idea (and growing in popularity), but way too literal for Mike and I. I loved hearing all the options for those kind of symbolic moments though. We also opted out of breaking a glass, jumping a broom, sipping wine together and few others.

I think we're keeping it simple and deeply personal. We will invite God to bless our union (and family), our family and friends to show their support and hear the vows we wrote each other. Remember, it doesn't take much to be married. If you don't have the final word over any other part of your wedding day I think it's important to consider that your ceremony is the foundation on which you make promises to each other that should guide you through your lives together. Make it really count for you (the bride and groom).

I would also add if your religious beliefs allow don't make people wait too long to eat. Seriously, I think you can have an incredibly meaningful day and still be considerate of guests without going to far out of your way. That is hopefully what we have done.

Officiating

We had some early discussion about who would marry us and some set backs, but eventually we settled on a person who made perfect sense. My Aunt Nancy. She was already legally able to marry people, she'd performed a few weddings already and she's known and loved us both since we were children.

For me two things were extremely important: 1)Making sure Mike and I were comfortable on our day and 2)Making our promise in our own words. It's a huge deal to me that we vow in the sight of God and our loved ones to be together forever. I can't allow "supposed to's" to unnerve either of us. I want my future husband to be "of sound mind" when he utters this huge promise to me. He doesn't have a relationship with a priest and the one I knew from childhood had disappointed me. Picking a religious figure at random seemed as meaningful as going to the courthouse. So, why not his "other Mom" growing up? Perfect.

The other issue is I don't want to say anything I don't agree with. What use is a promise you don't intend to keep? Love, honor and obey, no thanks. I want to promise each other things we can work on fulfilling together everyday for the rest of our lives. I need to believe in this union going the distance. I don't believe in one size fits all vows, at least for us.

I don't believe only marriages performed by priests/in churches are blessed by God. Any believer lives with the holy spirit inside them. I also don't believe that only a Christian can perform a Christian ceremony. My Aunt is a wonderful person who will perform the ceremony we choose with love and without judgment. It's a wonderful gift to have such an important person in our lives leading us through our ceremony.

It's going to be a beautiful day and a heartfelt exchange of vows. There are no guarantees in this life, but moving forward with the ones you love around you always seems like a good next step.

Put Off By A Pushy Preacher

I was raised attending an Episcopal church up the street from my house. When I told my dad a few years ago that I planned to marry Mike one day he immediately suggested taking Mike to meet Father C. from the church I grew up in. Mike and I had already agreed on an outdoor ceremony. We wanted a Christian ceremony that was very personalized. We both have similar beliefs, but I attend church and Mike chooses not to.

I had never intended to get married inside, but the idea of going back to that church after so many years of living out of state was very appealing. Mike wasn't raised attending church and has the uncomfortable feeling I get in a hospital when he enters one. I told him I just wanted him to meet my old friend, that's all.

This man oversaw baptisms in my family, my first communion and came to the hospital more than once to pray with me before going into surgeries. He was a fixture in my life for a long time. I envisioned being greeted warmly and welcomed back. I thought it would be an important moment for me to have him meet the man I was goint to marry. Beyond that, I had no real plans as far as getting married in the actual physical church, but Father C. as the officiant was a possibility. Mike was hesitant, but came for my sake.

Mike's social anxiety causes him to constantly question everyone's motives on top of which organized religion in general makes him nervous. I reassured him countless times that Father C. was a great guy and there was nothing to fear. However, it did not go well. Father C. greeted us kindly if not in the way I'd imagined, but without a moment's pause he set in on how we had to both be in regular attendance at the church or he wouldn't even consider marrying us. It was very pushy almost threatening.

I was floored. I felt like I was being hassled for my lunch money rather than being welcomed back to my church family. It made me queasy. This was not the caring man I remembered this was an embittered bully. Faith can not be forced upon people and the sacraments are for everyone. This is no way to spread God's love.

The worst part is it confirmed all of Mike's negative feelings about churches. I had hoped we'd have a great visit and it would loosen him up a bit. I also lost a support system I thought would always be there that day.

Not to worry we found an officant that means a great deal to both of us and we're very happy, but that's a whole other post.