Licensed to Wed

Today was the day. Up until this morning getting the license was just another errand to run: Go to Target, post office, get marriage license, buy milk, etc. Yesterday, I read all the instructions on the county clerk's website, printed and filled out the paperwork. That was all pretty straight forward. This morning was different.

I suddenly felt very emotional about our little lunch time errand. There was something intense about it. Mike asked me repeatedly if there was anything else he needed. It seems too simple. We read some information, fill out some forms, show id, pay a fee and swear we aren't lying. That's it? I guess all the complication would be on the other end of the marriage process.

I brought a book and tie swatches to discuss with Mike thinking we'd be waiting a while. We waited less than 5min. We sat down across the desk from a nice lady named Marjorie. We followed the process: read some information, fill out some forms, show id, pay a fee and swear we aren't lying. She silently input our information double and triple checking it while the robotic announcer lady voice intermittently called out numbers.

It was surreal. The process start to finish took in the neighborhood of 20min. She told us our effective marriage date is Monday and the license expires in May. So, we walked out joking about how Mike could have fun at his bachelor party this weekend since he won't be effectively married until Monday. Wild stuff. The government's given its blessing for us to marry, huh.

It's so official now. Exciting and a little odd...

If Rain is Lucky Then an Explosition Must Be...

Here's the article that describes how the bride was evacuated shortly after donning her wedding dress. I like these guys they're troopers. They just carried on with the wedding while their venue that had stood for 80yrs burned to the ground (directly behind them). Those must have been incredible wedding pictures.

On a lighter note, I found this fun wedding facts quiz on Huffington Post. I failed miserably by the way. I got one right out of 10, that's an F for sure.

When You Know It's Wrong...

A friend of mine posted this article yesterday. It's called Why So Many of Us Marry The Wrong Guy. She claims 30% of the women she talked to knew they were making a mistake on their wedding day. I can easily believe this. She talks about how we can rationalize anything siting the wrong job, a ridiculous car payment and dating the wrong guy for a few. I can identify with that, for sure. It's the most common reasons the author gives for women talking themselves into a doomed marriage where I differ in opinion, slightly.

Here are the top five reason according to her research:

1. We've dated for so long I don't want to waste all the time we have invested in the relationship.
2. I don't want to be alone.
3. He'll change after we get married.
4. It is too late, too embarrassing and/or too expensive to call off the wedding
5. He is a really nice guy; I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I think these are all in the rankings, but she doesn't mention babies! In my group of friends there were a few of us who started to hear the biological clock ticking (advance maternal age is 35) and thought this relationship's working let's get married so we can have babies. I know for me my window of opportunity was super short on making a new little human. I was acutely aware of my short window, the state of my relationship and wanting to do things the "right way".

This is why I did not want a quickie marriage when SURPRISE there'll be a new life in a little over 8mos. I wanted the baby and I wanted to raise it with Michael, but that was not mutually exclusive with marriage. Don't get me wrong here, I was fairly certain he was the one I'd marry, but I wanted to make sure I would marry him for my reasons, not because of societal pressure. Once Riley came there was a horrific surgery to survive and then when it seemed like we really had a handle on "for worse" we were both ready for marriage.

I don't think everyone is as strong as I am, though. I think most woman (regardless of their wishes) think pregnancy makes marriage a requirement. I find that sad and frustrating because I have witnessed what divorce does to those kids. Like the author points out, there will always be doubts but if you have more doubt than certainty reconsider.

I've talked about the third reason the author gives before: First Thing's First. I think we are all manipulated by the fact that the fairy tales always end with a wedding. We expect the pumpkin carriage to drive off into an ideal existence after "I do". I also believe people don't change until they are ready to and no marriage certificate or baby is going to "make them". It's not just women, Mike's first marriage was a combination of pressure to marry because of the baby and "she'll change" mentality. It has nothing to do with intelligence. We want to believe in love.

There really isn't anything wrong with believing in love it's just that we are an impatient bunch who would rather marry Mr. Right Now (since we have all the time invested, etc) than wait until it really feels like the right decision. I remember thinking in my teen years "If I'm not married by 30 I'm not going to do it." I think we're impatient society (hello instant streaming videos, etc), but beyond that woman especially want to be young brides and mothers.

Anyway, use your heads and your hearts ladies. That's my two cents on the subject. I'm 110% confident that I've made the right choice (& that it will not be easy).

The Only Other Voice That Matters

When I looked up the legal requirements for a wedding I was stunned. All it takes is a bride, a groom, an officiant (civil or religious) and two witnesses. You have to both be present, make some kind of "verbal acceptance of the union" and all sign the marriage license. That's all. That is making a marriage, which as we all know is not the same thing as planning a wedding.

To meet the requirements of legal marriage would take less than 15min and cost less than $200. To throw a wedding in this area last year on average cost folks $18,275-$30,459 and most vendors who work receptions book for 4hrs. Isn't it strange?

There are all these details, traditions and requirements that have everything to do with ancient superstitions and the wedding industrial complex. Outside of that there all these people involved who all bring their emotional baggage to the equation. It grows from 5 people and as many signatures to a large event being put on for the guests so easily.

I do not want to elope. I am very happy with the wedding I am planning. It just needs to be put in perspective sometimes. It is a promise before God between Mike and I requiring a few witnesses, anything else is our choice. When there are too many cooks in the kitchen or one overly eager person is making themselves heard too loudly it is my job to remember these things are just extras.

In the end there is only one other voice that matters. I am beyond thrilled to have my family and friends with me on the big day. I am floored by the love and support I have felt in the planning process, but planning still becomes overwhelming. It's a simple thing and we choose to make it more complicated.

First Thing's First?

We did things all "out of order." The song says first comes love, then come marriage and then comes a baby in a baby carriage. In fact, that was the plan from the start. I would move in with Mike, we'd get engaged, we get married and then someday there'd be a baby. Simple.

Except nothing ever is. The song doesn't account for Mike becoming a young dad only to abandoned by his wife when Isaac was under a year. The song did not account for the recession or back surgery, either.

I'm not much for unsubstantiated "have to"s. These days I'm not the only one either: (excerpts from my post on The Hedgehog Blog It's called Love, Baby Carriage...Marriage?)
"Here's a statistic I read while pregnant: "60% of all couples in the United States live together before they get married and 1/3 of them have babies first."Don't get me wrong I'm not arguing that everyone's doing it, but in my opinion that has been a lot of people's argument for marriage. I'm simply saying we have choices and people seem more aware of them than in the past.

"I have a baby. I am not married. Believe me there are people who wanted me to rush to a court house the minute the test showed two lines. I, however, do not own a time machine and in my opinion being pregnant before you're married doesn't change if you have a marriage license before anyone finds out. Also, pregnancy was not a good enough reason to make that kind of commitment especially in a big rush."Again, it's great when everything goes according to plan, but sometimes it doesn't. I had my beautiful girl at the only time it was physically possible. God, knows what he's doing. Now that the window of opportunity for having babies is closed and our "blended family" is complete:

"It seemed more important to be validated and have some ceremony and contract...shouldn't I get a big party in honor of the partnership I was already committed to?"So, now I'm healing from the surgery Riley is approaching two and were settled into our new home. Just as my brain allowed the wedding planning thoughts out of the basement where they were locked away, events unfolded that gave me pause: (excerpts from another Hedgehog Blog post called If Love Were an Airplane Nobody'd Get On)

"Recently, some couples close to me split up. Married people with families...I suddenly felt hopeless. They had it all together, they were happy and they didn't make it. I'm a disaster and we're always working through things. Our odds must be negative numbers." Getting married wasn't a decision I came to lightly, but when I did I held tightly to the success stories.

"The news...over and over that people I thought had the answers are calling it quits...From where I sit they were what I aspired to. They had love, children, friendship and it seemed to me that had...the immunization against the statistics...If I could find the answers they [we'd make it]." I even thought once or twice, "but they did it the right way." The right way being: dated for a long time, got engaged, married and then had babies. I've got a bit of a complex about doing things the right way, but in the end there seems to only be the way they happen, for better or worse.

"I often think if we can work though this issue we'll be ready or if we get past that we'll get married...I don't think you're supposed to get an A+ on being a couple and then earn the gold star of marriage. Maybe the idea is you get married and agree to spend the rest of your lives getting it right." I hope I'm right about that last part. I can't imagine promising before God to love Mike forever, but I can certainly give it all I've got on a day to day basis. Maybe, it's a holdover from school, but I keep thinking if I do the right things in the right order I'll be rewarded. It's been so hard for so long I think I deserve some easy, happy times.

It's not studying for a final and then the class is over. It's forever. It's hard now and it'll be hard later too, but there will some happiness in there too. We're just signing up for more of what life has to offer, together. Sometimes it feels less like "Happily Ever After" and more like "Once More Into the Breech..."